Photograph
by XanderB
Summary: Heero loses the most precious thing he's ever had and it's his own fault. How does he cope? And how do you unbreak a broken heart? Abuse, Anal, Angst, HJ, Language, M/F, M/M, N/C, Oral, SoloM, Violence, WAFF, WD, WIP, Yaoi


Photograph

Warning: Yaoi, explicit sexual scenes, drug abuse, alcohol consumption, swearing, angst, some oocness, age play, etc.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. God, I wish I did. They belong to their respective creators. I make no profit from the writing of this work of fanfiction.

(Heero, in a seedy hotel somewhere in Old Spain on the Earthsphere)

I gazed over the slow rise and fall of a bare chest, the nameless woman next to me slept peacefully in an alcohol and sex induced slumber. Her chestnut hair hadn't been as soft as it'd looked and her eyes hadn't been the right shade of blue. I looked out past her, through the window into the night, focusing finally on the flaming orange hue of the cheap hotel sign, the 't' and 'l' no longer lit. 'Hoe,' it read. How fitting.

The woman sighed in her sleep. She'd been just like all the others, a cheap rendition, a sad substitute for the one I really wanted. Duo'd left me months ago, but I wanted him still, needed him. I rolled over away from the woman and reached for the half-read novel I'd left on the nightstand. I pulled a worn photograph from between the pressed pages of the novel. Bright indigo eyes looked through me, leering, taunting, and accusing me.

I ran my finger along the photo. He was beautiful. His features smoother than the woman next to me, smoother than all the women before her too. His lips were fuller, redder, his body tighter, and his skin so much softer and paler than their's as well.

Guilt washed over me aggressively as I continued to look down at the faded picture in my hands. Finally, when I could no longer stand to stare at his beautiful face without feeling the presence of tears behind my eyes, I carefully replaced the photo back between the pages and laid the novel back on the nightstand. Guilt was a sharp bittersweet twinge of pain as I looked back down at the woman beside me. I'd been trying so hard to replace him with these dull imitations when I already knew they'd never measure up. And I was glad, not for the first time that none of these women were in love with me. If they had been, things would have been so much more complicated. At least when we were having drunken one night stands, there were no strings, no awkward goodbyes in the morning. Thank God. The woman rolled over, facing away from me.

I reached back over to the drawer again, pulling it open to reveal a small pouch and a mirror. The pouch held several items that had recently become vital to my existence. A razor, a straw and, a small package of white powder. I set the mirror on my lap as I sat up in the bed. I opened the powder and poured a generous amount onto the mirror carefully. This shit was expensive, no need to waste it. I set the rest of the powder back on the nightstand and proceeded to push the cocaine on the mirror into a straight line with the razor blade. Once I was sure the line was perfectly straight, I traded the razor for the straw. I snorted the whole line in one swift intake of breath. I felt the immediate, intoxicating burn in my throat and lungs as the drug moved into my system, in minutes that could have been hours slipping into my bloodstream.

My vision blurred as the slow burn turned to a hot itch in my veins, pumping through my body like water. I focused on the empty whiskey bottle at the end of the bed. The way the light glinted off the glass bottle seemed so very mysterious to me. My body was evaporating, turning to air, or was it stone? I didn't know, I couldn't feel it anyways. In that moment, guilt was nothing, Duo was a memory, a sweet dream. Maybe I'd overdone it a bit.

I laughed. It was funny that I'd actually seen Duo on several occasions since he'd left me; he'd even seen me with women. My laughing turned cynical. Even more hysterical was the reason he'd left me to begin with; he'd caught me in bed with a woman, Relena to be completely honest. I think it'd been worse because it'd been her.

It'd never occurred to me that Duo might actually have the balls to leave my sorry ass. I guess I'd thought he was too in love with me. I was too conceited to realize that Duo wasn't the fool he pretended to be.

Sometimes when the cocaine was running sickening sugar in my veins and those kind of thoughts were floating in my drug muddled brain, I'd work up the guts and call Duo's house. Sometimes I'd hear his voice and other times, it'd be someone else's. I wondered who they were, the different men who'd answer sometimes when I called.

Sometimes when I called, Duo'd cry. He'd just cry and cry until I'd hang up or pass out on the phone. He didn't even bawl, like you'd think he would. He'd just quietly sob. Those times when he'd cry, I'd want to see him the most, just to wipe the tears away. And I'd spout all sorts of cheesy gibberish to him over the phone and he'd just cry more. I'd probably call him sometime soon; it was inevitable. I chuckled to myself as if I'd made a joke. It was the drugs, I was sure.

My mind was fogged and I was beginning to doze off into a drug-induced, dreamless slumber. I didn't even stir when the nameless woman left. I didn't dream and I certainly didn't hear the sirens coming my way.

(Duo in his apartment in Old Spain)

He whispered his love for me into my ear as he shot his load in my ass with a grunt. I snorted. They all loved me when they were shoving their dicks into me. It was morbidly funny; I hated it, but I kept letting it happen. I kept letting people like him use me like that. I guessed it was because it was easier to let them do it than to argue against it. I didn't have the energy to fight them off anymore.

Once he'd finished, he'd barely pulled out of me before he was snoring next to me. I got up, wincing at the dull ache in my backside and abdomen as I moved around the room. It was not the first time and it certainly wouldn't be the last.

I paid little attention to anything in particular as I pulled on my jeans with the bummed knees, zipping them quickly. I couldn't find my boxer briefs, but I didn't care, let the asshole keep them as a souvenir. I reached for the tight blue sweater I'd brought back with me from the last time I went to Earth, the one with the v-shaped neckline and pulled it gracelessly over my head. The guy didn't even stir as I pushed my feet into my shoes half way and left his apartment as quickly as possible, just needing to be gone away from him. I felt sick as I walked back to my own lonely apartment. Nights like these always made me ill.

I took the stairs up to my apartment even though my body was protesting it the whole way. The seventh floor wasn't that far up, but my body was tired and my ass was sore. I sighed heavily as I unlocked the door to my apartment and went inside. I locked it immediately behind me before stripping out of my clothing as I moved towards the bathroom, leaving the articles strewn throughout my apartment. I didn't really care all that much about it, wanting nothing more than to wash the smell of the last guy off of me. I needed to be clean again. I hated smelling them on me the most.

I slid under the too-warm spray of the spacious shower, letting it warm my skin, turning it a healthy shade of pink. I was always so pale. I snorted to myself as I washed my skin and hair, making sure to get every bit of each. I didn't want any remnants of him left on my body. I wondered why I did these things to myself. I had a good life going for myself at the moment; why was I trying to ruin it?

I shook my head, clearing away the thoughts, vowing that I was going to stop sleeping around with these jerks, maybe I could find myself a real boyfriend, not that any of them would be able to measure up to Heero. No one could ever measure up to him, even if he was a complete ass.

It been so long since I had been with the chocolate-haired former pilot of Wing. I hadn't seen him for months and I hadn't spoken to him face to face since I'd left him. That day was still so vivid in my mind's eye. I'd come home from a grueling day at university and there they were, laying in our bed as if it was natural. She looked so smug, like she had won some sort of contest against me. I hadn't said a word to either of them, silently packing a duffel bag and walking away.

He'd tried to stop me, of course, but I couldn't even stand to see him. All I could see was his hands on her hips, guiding her, the same way he did to me. I could almost feel those hands ghosting over my own flesh like they had so many times before they'd been on her. And I'd hated her more than ever. She had done it to prove a point, I knew. She just wanted to prove that the Queen of the world always got what she wanted, never mind that it belonged to someone else.

I never even looked back, throwing myself into my studies and finishing at the top of my class. I even got a job right after I graduated, the hospital eager to take in fresh doctors. I also was a commodity because of my training in psychology and counciling. I found it a little humorous that I was better at my job than most people who had been doing it for years longer than me, but at the same time it was a little disturbing.

I stepped out of the shower, shutting off the taps and turning to wipe the steam from the mirror, staring at my own reflection. Dark, sorrowed indigo eyes peered back at me from above prominent cheekbones that were stained rosy from the remembered heat of the shower water. I smiled at myself, even though it didn't reach my eyes. Two rows of straight white teeth met my scrutiny. I wondered what was so attractive about me. So many people thought I was good-looking, going to great lengths to get me into bed with them, even women tried. What was so special about me?

I turned my head to the side, following my jawline up to my pierced ears. I supposed it could be my smooth face, my odd-coloured eyes, maybe my lengthy hair. Maybe I looked mysterious or maybe it was because they recognized me as the ex-gundam pilot of Deathscythe Hell. Maybe they thought my smile was sexy or my body was amazing. Who could know for sure? Maybe they just said those kinds of things in the hopes of getting laid. It didn't really matter anyways; I didn't need to be flattered. They weren't anything special, nameless faces that I couldn't remember when I was back at home in my own bed or when they had left. I never saw them more than once, never let them get too close, not that many of them wanted to anyways.

I sighed again, toweling my skin quickly and wrapping a very large and fluffy towel around the mass of my chestnut hair. Not for the first time, I contemplated cutting it just for the convenience, but I knew that I wouldn't. I couldn't even cut it. Too many memories were buried in the strands, locked there to remind me of who I was supposed to be. I chuckled darkly, wandering across the hall to my bedroom. My kitten wound her way between my ankles as I stepped over the threshold. She was a spur of the moment addition to my home. I'd rescued her from a storm drain a few months before and nursed her back to health. I never was heartless enough to leave a fellow orphan abandoned, just wasn't the way I was raised I guessed.

I grinned down at her. "You glad I'm home Shin?" I asked her as I pulled a pair of loose cotton pajama pants that were that deep, drying-blood colour of red out of a drawer in my dresser and managed to put my legs through them without mishap. I also dawned a white, long-sleeved shirt before moving out of my room towards my kitchen.

It was one of those new open concept jobs, you know where the kitchen opens up into the living room and a dining room. I liked it. It was all very modern too, with the newest appliances and whatnot. My dishes were plain black lacquered things and my cutlery was simple and silver, nothing too exciting really. The table and chairs in the dining room were dark mahogany. There was a violet orchid sitting in a pot that distinctly matched my dishes placed atop the table. The walls were painted crimson, brilliant and vibrant like fresh cherries. I'd chosen the colour and painted it myself. It matched the decor the way I'd hoped it would. The living room furniture was black and the coffee table was glass-topped with cast-iron legs. The entertainment stand was black, the flat screen television silver and sitting silently in the stand. Black and white photographs of the world hung sporadically from the walls.

I took a bottle of Wildvine berry wine from my refrigerator and a long-stemmed wineglass from the cupboard about the titanium silver stove. I popped the cork easily, the bottle already previously opened. I poured a generous amount of the alcoholic beverage into the glass, careful not to spill it on the granite counter top. I left the half-finished bottle on the counter and took my glass to the living room, sipping the bitter sweet liquid familiarly. Shin followed after me, sleek black tail swaying like a banner straight up behind her. I smiled genuinely at her as I flopped gracefully onto the swede sofa. Shin went behind it to play with the toys she'd taken to hiding there. I ignored her, flipping the television on.

I surfed through channels distractedly, sipping at my wine on and off. Finally I left an old movie on, "Casablanca," it was called. It was an extrememly old romance from centuries before and I was surprised that they could still manage to play it. I watched it in silence except for the t.v.'s volume. I pulled a blanket from the back of the couch, laying it over myself as I kept my eyes glued to the movie. My mind drifted to Heero once more.

Sometimes he called me on nights not so different from this one. I don't know how he got ahold of my home number. I'd even had it changed a couple of times, but he always found it. I supposed it was probably impossible to hide from him without going underground. He was Heero Yuy, Perfect Soldier, after all. On the nights that he called, sometimes I was awake, sometimes not and every time he called, he ripped me up inside a little more. It had been over a year since I had left him, but he still called, begging and spouting romance that he only said because he wasn't sober. On those nights, he made me cry and on the nights he didn't call I was relieved.

The saddest part about it was that I almost looked forward to the nights he did call, just so that I could hear him talk and it might have been a sign of mental illness, but when he'd pass out on the line, I wouldn't hang up; I'd just sit and listen to him breathing, as if I'd never left him, as if I was laying next to him again. I knew that it wasn't healthy to feel like that for him. He had hurt me so badly, broken my heart really. I'd given him my whole world and he'd crushed it. I couldn't stop loving him either, even though I hated him for hurting me. I wondered if he ever regretted it. He must have, since he called me so often.

I couldn't believe that he wouldn't let me go even though he was the one who had destroyed what we'd had. I didn't know how to let him go, so I ran away. He found me and he wouldn't let me be. I was like a drowning man, constantly suffocating with water in my lungs. I wished I could purge myself of him completely. It was impossible. I wanted him even as I wanted to forget him. The others had told me that it was best to stay as far away from him as possible; all he could do is ruin me again, but I thought it was ridiculous, how could you ruin something that was already broken, that hadn't even been fixed yet?

Shin chose that moment to bolt from under the couch, down the hallway and back again at top speed. She flung her tiny body over the edge of the couch and directly onto my crotch with her claws outstretched, successfully plunging them into my more sensitive areas. I let out a very unmanly yelp and jolted out of my thoughts. "Jesus Shin! Don't you think that I might need that someday?" I asked her, sighing raggedly and adjusting myself beneath the blankets. She just climbed up onto my chest and rubbed against my chin in apology, mewing and staring at me with enormous, glowing amber eyes. I shook my head, petting her as she made herself comfortable beneath my chin, her baby claws prickling through my shirt as she kneaded my flesh to her liking.

She snuggled up under my chin, a little black ball on my slim chest. I smiled and returned to watching my movie. I must have drifted off shortly after because I was awakened by the phone a couple of hours later. The clock on the VCR read quarter after four in the morning and I sighed, rubbing my eyes blearily. I wasn't in the best of moods as I moved to answer the shrilly ringing phone. My half-empty wine glass sat on the table, untouched since my last sip and Shin was still sleeping soundly on my chest. I moved her ever-so-gently, trying not to jostle her too much. I set her back on the sofa before rushing to get the phone.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," I grumbled as I plucked the cordless from its cradle and hit the 'Talk' button. "Hello?" I answered questioningly, wondering if it would be Heero's voice that whispered across the line. My heart sped up as the silence continued for a few seconds.

"Doctor Maxwell?" came the belated reply. I sighed in relief. Of course it would be work calling. I held the phone to my ear with a shoulder as I bent to retrieve my patially filled wine glass and took it into the kitchen, setting it in the sink after pouring the left over wine out of it. I also put the half-finished bottle of wine away back in the refrigerator.

"Ah yeah, it's me. What's the problem?" I questioned, knowing that they wouldn't have called so early if they didn't need me for something. I waited patiently as the nurse rambled for a few moments, apologizing several times over before getting to her point.

"Well, doctor Maxwell, we have a patient here that has you written as their next of kin and he has no insurance," I sighed heavily.

"I'll be right there," I said, not letting her continue. I hung up the phone and threw it onto the couch before moving to pull my shoes on. I didn't even change my clothing, walking over to the hospital in nothing but my pjs. I rubbed my eyes irritatedly as I came inside of the hospital, the glass doors swishing open and closed easily.

I nodded to the nurses at the nurses' station, leaning on the counter. "Doctor Maxwell, you're not working now are you?" a cute red-headed intern asked. Her name was Brianna if I remembered correctly.

"No, I just got a call about a patient who has me listed as next of kin, you know where I can find him?" I questioned, smiling easily at her, putting on the old Maxwell charm. She blushed and smiled right back. She went to the pile of files on the far end of the desk and rifled through them, plucking one out of the pile and coming back to me.

"Here it is, a mister Heero Yuy," she said, glancing into the file for a moment before handing it to me to look over. Normally, next of kin and family members didn't get to look at the files, but they weren't lead physicians at this hospital. I scanned the contents of Heero's files, careful to keep my expression blank. Gossip traveled fast in the hospital, especially when it involved me. For some reason the young interns and nurses seemed to find me fascinating.

"Thanks Brianna," I said, sticking the file back on the counter before reaching for my wallet. She blushed before taking the file and putting it back into the pile. I took out my credit card and placed it on the desk. "I'll be footing the bill for my friend," I said in explanation. I couldn't believe that Heero was so stupid, not having insurance.

Brianna nodded, taking my card and doing all of the payment arrangements, before she handed it back to me along with a couple of forms to sign and two receipts, one for their files and one for mine. I ran my hand through my bangs and blew out a breath. I thanked her again and turned to leave.

"Wait doctor Maxwell," she called after me. I half-turned, acknowledging that I had heard her.

"Don't you want to see him at least?" she asked curiously. I shook my head.

"Not right now," 'Not ever again', I thought inwardly, making a nonchalant gesture resembling a wave as I left, heading back to my quiet apartment and going right to bed. Why was I even listed as his next of kin? What was he thinking? Stupid prick! I groused as I forced my eyes closed again. I had to be to work in a few hours and I hoped to god that Heero was gone by then.

I didn't want to see him, especially knowing that he had overdosed on the disgusting shit he'd been pumping into his bloodstream. It made me feel sick. I was angry at him for being such an idiot, for almost dying from something so completely ridiculous as a cocaine overdose. I wanted to kill him. Why'd he have to do these things to me? Why'd he have to come back and throw a wrench into my calm little world? Maybe I wasn't happy, but I was content and I was doing just fine without him. I tugged on my hair roughly and buried my face in my pillow.

I fell asleep shortly thereafter and my alarm woke me up again only a couple of hours later at eight-thirty. I was so tired, my eyes refusing to open fully as I started the coffee maker. Quatre called at quarter to nine just to check up on me which he had made a habit of doing once a week. I sipped my steaming coffee and chatted with him, telling him about the night before and Heero's overdose.

"Duo, make sure you stay away from him. You're doing so much better now," he said, blue eyes watching me through the vidscreen on my phone. I sighed.

"Am I?" I questioned, "I mean, I'm miserable Quat'. I have no life besides work. I drink too much and my only company is my kitten," I said quietly, looking at him with pursed lips and sad eyes. His shoulders drooped a bit. Then he perked up again.

"You just need a boyfriend," he responded with a cheeky smile. I shook my head.

"Don't look at me like that blondie. I know what that smile means. Don't try to set me up with anyone," I warned. He had tried before and it had been disastrous. Every person I had went out with just wasn't good enough. There was always something wrong with them. I wasn't jaded enough to believe that they actually had something wrong with them. It was me; I just wanted Heero, even though I was so angry with him and I hated him at the moment.

Quatre gave me a look that said he had no idea what I was talking about, but we both knew that he knew exactly what I was saying. He sighed loudly. "Have you seen him then?" he asked after a moment of awkward silence.

"Seen who?" I was confused. Quatre looked exasperated which would have been humorous if we weren't being so serious at the time.

"Heero!" his voice was loud, rising in pitch as he exclaimed.

"No, I haven't seen him. Do you think I should have?" I wondered about it. What would have happened if I had went to see him? What would I have said if I had went to speak to him? What would he have said?

"Well, something's gotta give Duo. You can't keep pining for him. It's been over a year. You need to have a life again. You're barely twenty-three years old. You have a career, a nice apartment, stability, all that's missing is someone to share it with. You need that Duo. You're not someone who should be alone," his tone took on a tone of urgency. I shook my head again, even though he was right. I couldn't stand being alone, hence my promiscuity.

"I dunno Quat'. It was always Heero you know. I always thought I'd be sharing it with him and he won't just disappear you know. It's not like I can pretend he doesn't exist. He's connected to me, to all of us," I wasn't sure exactly what I was trying to point out, but it made sense. Heero was always on the outskirts of my life. He called me, and he talked to Trowa. He was by no means out of our lives completely. And wouldn't it have been easier to forget him if he was?

"I know, but it's killing you Duo. You don't smile like you used to," he said, voice near a whisper and it sounded like he might cry. It made me feel awful and I couldn't look at him. He was right.

"I've grown up. There's no need to be grinning like an idiot all of the time," I replied stubbornly, refusing to accept the truth. The truth being that I wasn't the person that I was pretending to be. I wasn't calm and collected and quiet. I'd never been and somewhere along the last year and a half I had lost the real me to that person. I stifled a sigh, hiding it behind my coffee mug as I gulped another mouthful down. Quatre shook his head.

"You've never been good at lying Duo, especially to yourself," I was taken aback by his words. He always knew how to strike where it would hurt the most. I ran a hand through my hair.

"I know," I replied simply, having nothing to say in my own defense.

"I'll call again soon. Take care of yourself Duo. We love you," he was ending the conversation. I supposed it was just as well, since I needed to be to work soon anyways.

"I will, you and Trowa take care too. I love you guys too. Later," I bid him farewell, cutting the connection at the same time he did.

Upon arriving at work, I was informed that Mr. Yuy had left earlier in the morning. I wasn't at all surprised. Of course the bastard wouldn't stick around to explain himself. I should have felt pissed about Heero's addiction and I wanted to, but I just felt sick. How could he do this to himself? I shook my head, dislodging my thoughts from that particular train and moving to pull my lab coat on before starting my very long and very grueling day of saving peoples' lives. There were several car accidents during the day and a house fire. It was a hectic day for me.

By the time I got back to my comfortable apartment. I was ready to fall over and sleep for a year. After a quick shower and feeding Shin, I flopped onto my bed, sprawling out. My body ached tiredly. I sighed heavily, relieved to be home and to have a few days off, not that I would get to sleep in or anything. I had plans with WuFei later in the week. It was a routine we had.

Sleep came really swiftly that night, my exhaustion taking over. I didn't even dream, I was so dead. The phone ringing woke me at a little after four-thirty according to my alarm clock, the glowing green lit numbers searing my eyes. I blinked several times, trying to figure out what exactly it was that woke me, even as the phone continued to ring. I jolted as the realization sunk in. I reached blindly for the cordless on my night stand. Shin snuffled next to me, stretching and flopping back down to sleep. I wished I could be her, just ignore everything and sleep. I shook my head and hit the 'Talk' button.

"Hello?" my voice was husky with the remnants of sleep and I figured that it would be work again, asking if I could come in even though it was my day off. I'd been pulling overtime for weeks since one of the other lead doctors was on maternity leave and I hadn't been getting much sleep during my down time. I rubbed at my eyes with my unoccupied hand. I had finally managed to squeeze a couple of days off out of them and they were calling me in again?

"Duo?" that voice was much too familiar for work. I closed my eyes, counting to three silently. Heero's voice sounded tight on the other end of the line and I couldn't tell if he was high or not. I laid back on my pillows. Why'd he have to do this to me?

"What do you want Heero?" I questioned wearily. I'd promised myself that the next time he called I wouldn't be weak. I wouldn't give him what he wanted. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of hearing me cry again.

"Such harshness," he murmured in a slow drawl. So he was high after all. It figured; he never called me when he was sober anymore. I scowled into the darkness.

"Just spit it out Heero," I growled roughly. The faster you got it out of him, the faster you got to go back to your life. He sighed as if he was exasperated or frustrated by something.

"I just wanted to thank you Duo."

"For what?" What the hell was he talking about?

"For saving me," he replied as if I should have known. Why would I have any idea what he was on about; he'd never said thanks for anything before?

"I didn't save you Heero, it was one of the other doctors, besides, if it was me, I would just be doing my job," I said flatly. 'Maybe I would have let you die, you shithead,' I thought maliciously.

"So impersonal. I saw your name on the forms. Why didn't you stay until I woke up? We could have caught up," he said after a moment's thought. I scoffed.

"I don't think so. If we had talked, it would have been about your obvious drug problem," I was angry by then. How dare he act so nonchalant?! He'd almost died for Christ sakes.

"What problem?" Heero echoed as if he had no clue as to what I was talking about. I clenched the hand not holding the phone into a frustrated fist. I hated dealing with drug addicts, especially when they were high.

"What problem? Cut the shit Heero. Let me ask you a question, just how many lines have you done today alone?" I asked irately, pissed off at his childish behavior, even if it was due to the drugs in his system.

"Um, just four or five," he sounded amused, as if he'd made some kind of joke. I ground my teeth together.

"And you don't think that that's a bit of a problem?" I wanted to yell at him, but I had a neighbor with young children. Why was he doing this to me? And tonight of all nights. Couldn't he just leave me alone?

"Well, this 'problem' allows me to talk to you, because without it, I just don't have the guts," he explained as if it was perfectly logical, like no other answer would have sufficed.

"You're a coward," I hissed disgustedly. I couldn't believe that he was the savior of the colonies and the United Earthsphere. What would his people think of their hero now? Heero chuckled darkly.

"It's true, I am. Do you think that you're not? I know about all those men Duo, all the ones you let fuck you just so you don't have to face the loneliness, just so you can feel loved for a little while," he snapped viciously, trying to bring out my tears. And if I hadn't been so pissed off, it might have worked, but tonight was different than the others before it.

"Well, I'd say it's better than destroying my life with that shit you're using, not to mention what I'm doing is perfectly legal last time I checked. Does it work? Tell me, I'm curious, does the cocaine really help you to forget that you're fucking a woman instead of me? Does it let you pretend it's my ass instead of a pussy? I bet they don't measure up. You always said that I was the tightest, the best you'd ever had," I was attacking him maliciously, I knew it, but I couldn't stop, "Besides, you could have had me forever, but you fucked it up. It was your fault I left Heero, remember? You were the one caught fucking HER! I was always faithful Heero, always. You lost me, so why don't you be a man and deal with it?" I questioned venomously. He didn't answer, so I plowed on.

"What's the matter Heero, does the truth hurt? Are you speechless? I'll let you in on a secret, drugs only work for so long. I bet you know that already don't you, when you're coming down from your high, you realize it's still not me you're fucking," I inflicted as much pain as I could, wanting him to know that he had torn me apart inside, wanting him to feel what it was like.

"Fuck you, just fuck you!" he exclaimed, his voice shaking with what sounded distincly like tears. So, I'd managed to hit home. It was good to hear him hurt for once, even though I knew I'd regret it later.

"Nothing else to say Heero?" I was met with the click of the line disconnecting and then the obnoxious pulse of the dial tone. He'd hung up on me. He'd never hung up on me before. It was usually the other way around. He'd obviously had a hard time accepting reality.

I laid back in my sheets, comfortable against my pillows and breathed a sigh. It had felt good to let all of that out. I'd never told him off before. I'd never said things like that to Heero in the past. It was liberating to know that I hadn't been the one in tears this time around.

(Heero back in the motel)

I swore, cursing myself and Duo and anything else I could think of. I couldn't believe he'd talked to me the way he had. He'd never said those things to me before, not even when I was being an asshole to him, not even when I was making him cry. I shook with rage. How dare he speak to me like that? The little shit thought he was better than me now, of that I was sure.

I threw the phone at the wall savagely, the plastic breaking apart easily. I tried to calm my shaking and my temper, breathing heavily. I was sweating, but I ignored it, tossing things out of my way as I rampaged around the seedy-looking room. It smelled like old carpeting, vomit, alcohol and stale sex. It made me feel sick. I licked chapped lips roughly, eyes searching wildly as I yanked drawers open, rifling through them, ripping clothes and other items out of them. "Where the fuck is it?!" I cursed loudly, pissed off that I couldn't find what I was looking for so intently.

I ran my hands through my hair, tugging on the strands harshly as I wracked my memory for where I had last had my drugs. I needed them, as much as I hated to admit that Duo was right, what he'd said was true. I needed them like I needed oxygen. They had become a part of my very existence, no matter how I denied it.

Finally, I found them under the sagging bed, the rusted frame hardly able to keep the elderly mattress from touching the rotting carpeting. I sighed in relief as I set myself a couple of lines, screw the fact that I'd already had some. I snorted them quickly, hardly feeling the burn in my nostrils anymore. It was a familiar feeling these days, had been for months, or was it years now? I couldn't really recall how long since all my days had begun to blur into one.

The drug hit my system ten minutes later, my vision swimming pleasantly as euphoria took over. I don't remember when I decided to go to Duo's or even why I decided to do it. In my inebriated state I had no idea where I was going. I didn't even make it all the way to his place before I burned out. It was hours later, the sun creeping up over the horizon. I was wandering around aimlessly, completely lost and zoned out. I wasn't even wearing shoes, having forgotten to wear any the night before, unable to feel any pain in the appendages at the time. I was out of cocaine and I was cold. I couldn't recall how I'd gotten where I was and I was pretty sure that no one was willing to help me since I definitely looked like a junkie.

You can imagine how surprised I was when I ran into Duo and WuFei. He looked beautiful, Duo, I mean. He was glowing, warm, stunning. I couldn't believe it. He looked like he was sixteen again and I wanted him. I wanted him so bad, but I knew I couldn't have him and the realization was bitter. I wasn't going to talk to him, I swore that I wasn't. He was obviously better off without me in his life. Before I could stop myself, I was stumbling towards the two of them, nearly tripping over my feet as I went.

WuFei looked worried when I bumped into him. I apologized, intent on seeing Duo. I never really understood why I had lost him. How I could have done the things I did, how I could hurt him like I had. It must have killed him, seeing her and I like that, after I'd told him that he was the only one, and would only ever be the one. It was as if I had been possessed by someone else. Like my body wasn't my own at the time. I hadn't really wanted Relena, hell I'd actually been pretty repulsed by her, but I'd done it anyway. I'd fucked her like she wanted and I still don't understand why I did it, knowing that he would see. I'd known that he would be home around that time, known he'd be done class and come home. It was as if I had wanted him to see. It was sick.

WuFei managed to catch me by my arms, his hands warm under my armpits as he held me upright. I hadn't even realized that I was falling. I blinked up at the two of them blearily, my eyelids moving sluggishly. They were saying words, but I couldn't make them out. I felt deaf, like I was hearing them from under water. Then he was touching me, Duo was touching me, the back of his hand on my forehead, his eyes peering into mine intently, searching for something, what, I had no clue. He was touching my hair and face, examining me, but I didn't care; he was touching me again and that was all that mattered.

I swayed precariously on my feet, WuFei steadying me with Duo's aid. My vision grayed as my body threatened to faint. I was going to pass out, I knew that before it ever happened, but I couldn't get my tongue to work well enough to warn either of them. They must have caught me as I pitched forward, but I don't remember anything after that, just the murmur of their voices. I had the vague impression that I was carried and that we had driven somewhere, but beyond idle flickers of feeling and memory, I had no idea.

All I knew was that I was with him again...

TBC?

I thought about making this longer but I decided to split it up instead because it makes it easier for me. .


End file.
